::bgnoise:: -=Silence=-
::taste:::::: bland
::mood::::: /

I post when you post ? is what I would title this entry if I titled my entries.

So yea...I got into an argument today. I wasn't really arguing about the point at hand tho. I was arguing about something that really had nothing to do with the pent up anger that I (for the most part) keep at bay. I was arguing about stupid stuff like moving out and donating cars, when what I really wanted to yell about was lies, deception, morality, decency, and pain. But I didn't....

So I'm gonna move out. Once again I'm going to pick up my stuff and run away, just like I do with every other confrontation I get into, only this time it's literally. Fuck me for not being able to come clean and have a mature conversation about the matter at hand. Fuck me for not being able to choke the words out of my mouth when I have something emotional to say. Fuck me for copping out when things get too heavy. So...I hate myself for this but I'll get over it by tomorrow morning. I don't know when I'll be leaving but I will be leaving. I can't stay here in this house. The air is thick with lies and I'm finding it hard to breath. Mind you, half the lies are my own but the other half will not be where I'm going.

I'm sick....no really I'm sick. I gotta go to the docter. They'll make me better.

There's a storm outside. It's raining and windy out. The end.


~kori (¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: Jason Mraz -=Curbside Prophet (live)=-
::taste:::::: Sour Apple Altoid
::mood:::::

I really have nothing to write about but since everyone else updates frequently I guess I'll jump on the bandwagon and do the same.

So, uhm, I've been doing this whole 'school' thing again and it really feels like I'm doing nothing. Last semester was so tough but this semester is starting off so slow. I mean yea, I have a lot of shit to do and everything but it just seems so....minimal in comparison. I have some story boards to do, I need to write up a budget and do some papers. Feels a lot like high school. The first day I walked into my English class that's the exact feeling I got. I fucking took this damned class already. Same with art history. That's just not as bad 'cause I seem to be learning new stuff in that class. As for English.....peh. Perhaps I'm just speaking too soon. English used to be my favorite subject in high school but now that I know there's so much more to learn than just the fundamentals (like English, History, Math...) those things seem to be so trifle. I wanna go back to taking classes like Protools, and Media100 (i still hate that program). I just wanna play. But I guess school isn't all just fun and games all the time. Why oh why did I pick such a boring schedule. *knock on wood*

I ran out of my room last nite 'cause I heard my dad screaming. He was having a nightmare. He gets real bad ones, almost like night terrors but without the walking about and such. So I knocked on his door and asked him if he was alrite. He was breathing heavy and sweating. He told me that he had a dream about his brother, my uncle Stanley. In his dream Uncle Stanley was being crushed between two walls. It musta scared him something aweful 'cause he woke up screaming. He's had dreams like this before. The worst thing about it is there was always some truth in his dreams. Right before mom got 'sick' (it doesn't sound so serious if i write it like that) he had a dream about her and me. I don't recall all of it but what I do remember is that there was a tsunami and we were on a bridge. The wave came and swept up my mom and he woke up screaming. When gramma died he had a shooting pain in his chest right before they found her in the bathroom. And when my Uncle Guy died my dad was just so conviniently on his way to his house. This has got to be tough on my dad. He loses his wife and his brother almost exactly one year apart. Things are weird. Maybe life does give us some sort of inkling that something bad is going to happen. I sure hope this dream doesn't mean anything, I don't know if our family could take another tsunami.

~Kori(¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: Mariah Carey -=Melt Away=-
::taste:::::: water
::mood:::::

"this has gone on way too long and i'm tired of moving on. this has gone on way too long and i know that this is not the way it should be. "

I wanted to write something today 'cause it just felt right ya know ? But I don't know what to write. There's always gonna be that inscrutable fact that life is the way it is. I see so many people from day to day and I wonder how shitty their life is because I can't see it any other way. No one is alone in this matter. Fucked up. Why does life have to be so fucked up ? I know if I had thought about this years ago I wouldn't have any right to say that life is fucked up because it wasn't. And now I'm left here to wallow in the past to think about the things that were. I never knew that things were so perfect until I was thrust into this unperfect world. I was spoiled, not in a sense that I had everything as a child but in the fact that up until gramma died I had never felt a loss. After that came a bunch of years without loss also. Then, WTF, all things came crashing down. Things started going haywire. Where did we fuck up ? What did we do wrong ? Why do things have to be the way they are ? Taking my own advice....don't ask why just push through it and move on.

kori(¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: The Ataris -=San Dimas High School Football Rules=-
::taste:::::: V8 Splash (tropical)
::mood:::::

Don't smile so hard you'll make yourself bleed. It's a bad habit we all have to break. Kinda like peeing in the pool, it's warm at the time but in the end you're still just swimming in your own waste. Wallowing in your own shit. But memories will become hazy, things will eventually be alright. Just alright. Just say alright. Alright. Things seem to feel so mind numbingly surreal. The past is a blur, just whizzes past my head and doesn't stop to say hello. Sometimes it returns to kick me in the ass. I'd write a list of things to remember but I don't want to. Remember....remember ? Don't press into matters beyond your control. Things tend to get distorted with your face pressed up against the window like that. Smudging up the glass with your heated breath will do nothing but make you look stupid-make you look like you care when you don't. You really don't. Is it that you just want them to know ? To know everything you wished you knew. You know but have forgotten. Time doesn't stand still for anyone, life doesn't wait for you to catch your breath, memories don't wait for you to remember. But the world, in fact, does revolve around you. Don't let your light go out yet. Things are looking up and she is looking down. Hold your breath, dive down deep, get your bearings, moving on never to see any other way.

~Kori (­¬_¬)