::taste:::::: lemonade
::mood::::: ;_;
[continued]
alright, where was i ? oh yea...
two to three weeks
after we heard this news we started recieving billions of phone calls asking how shes doing and all that other crap. i hated, no hated having to explain her story over and over and over again. each time i told the story it was like a billion needles stabbing into my heart. all my cousins and friends who were away started showing up back at home again to see her. but thats not really all....shes not one to go peacefully into the nite.
immediately after we realized how serious this was we started searching out ways to cure her. grabbing for miracles was what it was. they took trips to sebastepol just to see high priced holistics doctors who would tell to drink "special" water and lay down by little machines that looked like stereo systems. yea well three weeks later my mom was still alive and well. she started sleeping more but she was still up and about as much as she could be. and finally we heard of this program/treatment in LA (highly priced of course) so of course my father picked her up immediately and took her to LA leaving me here in the house without them.
things seemed to progress for awhile, well so they told me. i went to visit her in LA and got to hold my momma again. she would cry and tell me how badly she wanted to give up. i would tell that its alrite if she did, but she refused to, no matter how hard it got. her legs and abdomen filled up with wasteful fluid that wouldnt drain out of her body on her own. she couldnt walk for long periods of time without hurting, she couldnt sit for a long time without hurting. after awhile breathing started to hurt her. her eyes started getting yellow and her lungs had to be drain of liquid to help her breath. i would wake up at nite and hear her forcefully trying to breath, and i would hurt inside knowing that she was in pain.
i started a project to help her get better, but i could get myself to organize enough. i had everyone make a few cranes and we started stringing them together for my mother.
finally i came home from LA cause i couldnt stand watching her suffer like that. and our phone conversations sounded a lot like this...
"hi mom, how are you feeling today ?"
"i'm fine"
"thats good how was your day ?"
"oh, just the usual."
"oh i see" long pause... "so, i heard from auntie lin that you didnt want to have the chemo anymore."silence on the other end "is that tru ?"
"yea, well, i dont like it."
"oh i see"
"it makes me feel tired"
"theres nothing wrong with being tired. you can be tired and just rest and get better"
"i dont like it"
"i kno...its hard"
"mmm"
"you kno, you can come home if you want to"
"no i cant"
"why not ?"
"because i have to stay here and do this stuff"
"says who ?"
"says me"
"why do you think that ?"
"because i have to"
"i think its okei if you want to come home."
"i cant..."
"ok." my voice chokes the breath from out of my chest
"dont cry, you'll make me cry."
"im crying because you are crying."
"no i'm crying because you are crying."
i wanted her to come home so badly. she was hurting and fighting so hard and all i wanted her to do was come home and lay in bed with me.
i ended up spending my 21st birthday without them...i knew they wanted to be there but they just couldnt...and i knew that. but it was aweful.
at the end of october they said there was nothing more they could do in LA and they came home. they brought her home in a trailor attached to oxygen tanks and we had a hospital bed put into the living room for her. auntie barbara even came to be with her. they all slept with her in the living room. seeing her like that was the worst pain that i have ever felt in my life....i didnt cry. there was no more soul left in her eyes...her mouth was propped open her skin was yellow her face was sunken in her arms were like twigs her lips were like paper...she resembled a skeleton. so sad, so helpless so frail so stubborn. it felt as tho my world just came crashing down into the earth.
and still worse...
hearing her say that she doesnt want to leave was the worst. all through the night i could hear her shouting 'nuh uh' and "i wont go". i had to wake up to coax her off the potty one morning...it hurt her too bad to let anyone touch her and she didnt want to do it anymore. its hard watching the person you have always depended on having to depend so much on you. those last few days were spent sitting next to my mother trying to keep her calm...to keep her from screaming. later that evening she wanted to get out of bed...because laying in bed meant that she would lay down and die. so i helped her get out of bed and into her wheelchair. after awhile it hurt her to sit, so she would scream, but she still refused to lay back down in bed. when she tried to stand she just couldnt. i would say "where you going momma?" and she would retort " NO WHERE!" i stayed up late nites listening to her talk to people who werent there. saying things like "no i'll do the dishes" and other things like that. i never got tired tho. i didnt want to miss anything i didnt want to sleep.
then on november first she passed early in the morning. they called me into the room because her breath became shallow....i lay next to her as she took her last breaths. i listened to her faint heart beat and felt her chest go in and out ever so slightly. my dad wrote a poem that morning to make me feel better. i didnt cry.
the sound of searching
to gather
that precious breath
rest,
relax
then reach again
with graceful strength
until the want
is gone,
working on being
my own angel
right after
i'll be yours.
[end]