::bgnoise:: -=the earth shattering silence=-
::taste:::::: menthol
::mood:::::

i've been crying a lot lately. i think it might be because now that i don't have school i have nothing better to do than wallow in my own self-pity. there's not really much nowadays to take my mind off this heart wrenching pain. i have nothing to set my mind to, therefore my mind has just become this puddle of mush that oozes out the side of my head. i've lost all sense of rationalization. i've lost the will to keep myself from going off the deep end. my emotions can't be kept in the dark pit of my stomache forever. so it tends to come out on sleepless nites. every nite has been a sleepless nite. i sleep during the day because looking at everything in the daylight just doesn't seem right. my world has become a distorted sense of well being. i've been getting into list making so i shall make a list of things that remind me of my mom and long for her presence.

•the trees
•the roads
•the malls
•songs
•the sky
•the birds
•the sun
•the moon
•my dog
•my family
•the bills
•e-mail
•my clothes
•my hair
•my reflection in the mirror

when i look at myself in the mirror i try hard to remember what she looked like. i try and tell myself that i will try my best to be like her in every way. i will be kind and giving. i will always put others before myself. i will do random acts of kindness just for the hell of it. and i begin to wonder why things had to end up like this. how can this life be so cruel as to take my one true best friend away from me. i think about how she wont be there for my wedding, and how she wont be around to see my children. i think about not being able to see her reaction when i tell her that i got such good grades in school.

its times like these when i start to think about the afterlife. everyone's going around spouting all sorts of crap about "going to a better place" and how they "will be watching over me." and i have to say, i don't buy any of that bs. if its so true then why don't i see her in my dreams, why don't i feel her presence around me, why don't i feel like she's still somewhere? i'm sorry, i just don't buy it.

so yea....i've been crying a lot lately but i was reading in both of my cuzzie's journals and i know that i'm not alone. i take comfort in the fact that perhaps when a tear falls down my cheek a tear is falling down one of theirs and i don't have to suffer this god aweful pain alone.

aren't we all going a bit insane ?


--------------------------------------------------

and in the harsh cold of the nite
my stinging tears hit the pillow as i think of you.
as i remember the times in my life
when you used to tell me everything will be alrite.

and when things start to get rough
i cant help but fight the feeling that you've left me alone.
i hold back the feelings of pain
but i feel as if the memories just can't be contained.

i listen hard for your voice to come ringing through the clouds
but this silence in me is eating me from inside out.

and everything feels as if its died inside of me.
and everything feels that this is not how it should be.
'cause i miss you
and i wish you
were still around to tell me everything will be ok.


~kori(­¬_¬)