Q:What happened to the words? Where did they go?
A:Drank them down with a bottle of pills.
Q:Does Gato love me?
A: You? No. Me? YES!OMGYES!
Q:Will I update this?
A:Prolly not. Right?!
Monday, May 23, 2011
::gone::
disappearing completely is a hard thing to accomplish. you could delete your facebook account, close your bank accounts, quit your job, lose your phone but you're always still somewhere right?
attention whoring, self absorbed, forgetful, useless, talentless, fat, unaccomplished, messy, irresponsible, spiteful, hateful, mindless, unfulfilled, slutty, inconsiderate, rude, mean, ugly, cold, depressing, evil, jaded, crazy, unique, quirky, witty, funny, creative, bold, spontaneous, fun, unforgetable, forever
it's all there and will always be until it's not.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
::5-17-11::
words that i rhyme beat in time follow sign
if the cat chases yarn then the dime chases you
but i ride on the universe the planet it is
if you're not in the game
then what what do you play?
to each his own get your throne reap what you sew
take your time follow sign and I'll be sure to make it mine
Monday, March 08, 2010
My positives on reserve are pretty much depleted by the end of the day. I feel drained of something but can't quite put my finger on it. It is not emotion 'cause I've been lacking the ability to feel. It is not tangible 'cause that would just be disgusting. It is something bigger, something outer, something more important than I can create within myself. The closest thing I could call it would be vibrations. Good vibrations...like the song. Sleep recharges me and that is what I use to carry me through the day. This is good enough for now, but I often wonder if it has to be this way forever. Can't I just be a constant ball of positivity throughout and not have to dole it out as needed. It's tiring. I feel drained, and I don't wanna feel like this at the end of every day.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Drainin' jams in the night in spite of the day. Wasted way too long I wait for a call but don't answer, 'cause tonite I'm a dancer. The cancer the past is gone, but it all comes back when I'm here. In the stillness there's still this illness that kills this mood, and the silence in spite of this I miss what was there.
Do you still care?
'Cause I do.
True, but whatever I hear it's clear that there's never 'eventually it'll all disappear.' In what seems to be dreams will be all will be real and a day won't come that you can't see the sun 'cause it's shrouded by clouds of despair.
Under sheets of devotion I carry one notion that fading in light deep through this night I can only hold one person true. But that one is long gone, hangs still in this song over days, over months, over years.
As the sun peeks up over mountains ablaze you can only hold hands for so long. Under covers if careful trust and persuasion turn my head to my pillow and wake up from below this new day and on with the show.
Do you still care?
'Cause I do.
True, but whatever I hear it's clear that there's never 'eventually it'll all disappear.' In what seems to be dreams will be all will be real and a day won't come that you can't see the sun 'cause it's shrouded by clouds of despair.
Under sheets of devotion I carry one notion that fading in light deep through this night I can only hold one person true. But that one is long gone, hangs still in this song over days, over months, over years.
As the sun peeks up over mountains ablaze you can only hold hands for so long. Under covers if careful trust and persuasion turn my head to my pillow and wake up from below this new day and on with the show.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Juxtapose, it's just a pose. Who knows
what's better for us than us.
It's justified and full of lies.
Interrogation leads to more questions
than answers, and Sir--it's time to move beyond
and we all knew it'd come to this.
The switches that turned us off are the same that turned us on.
Singing the same song to that same blond but somehow seems so wrong.
I wrote to let you know this
before this and that went down.
It's sad to see you frown, Mister out of town.
I know you're still around.
Eventually I know you'll leave,
and so will I. This has to die.
I can't expect things to go back, way back like us,
and forth and back again.
what's better for us than us.
It's justified and full of lies.
Interrogation leads to more questions
than answers, and Sir--it's time to move beyond
and we all knew it'd come to this.
The switches that turned us off are the same that turned us on.
Singing the same song to that same blond but somehow seems so wrong.
I wrote to let you know this
before this and that went down.
It's sad to see you frown, Mister out of town.
I know you're still around.
Eventually I know you'll leave,
and so will I. This has to die.
I can't expect things to go back, way back like us,
and forth and back again.
Monday, July 16, 2007
"The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident." Sir Hugh Walpoe
Sunday, April 01, 2007
I've been having an unusual slew of weird dreams lately. Maybe my mind is getting ahead of itself with my lack of creativity output. I've had my head wrapped around someone and somethings that keep manifesting themselves in utter weirdness when my body is unconscious. I'll say it again...weird. So eat this:
[Names have been changed to protect the innocent]
Setting: Dark bar-like atmosphere, tropical decor, smelled like alcohol. Although it looked like a bar it was a house, a BIG house with many rooms and a giant staircase. Rooms closest to the bar were connected to one another, one set of rooms were connected by a high window located above each room's respective beds. The other rooms were just connected by doors as if it were some sort of fancy hotel.
Company: A handful of friends and partygoers. This was a small spring break crowd. Pretty much all of my friends and family were there.
The scenario in bits and pieces: It's a pretty good party. I'm polishing off a full bottle of Cazadores and the guys are all downing beer. A "friend" of mine, we'll call him Bob went off and hooked up with one of my family members we'll call her Bunny. (lol) Of course I notice this and take a little interest in what's about to happen. Meanwhile a cute, nevertheless nameless guy approaches me and we hit it off. We head over to the room next to Bob and Bunny. The room just so happens to have a window and I could just barely see over the top to Bob and Bunny about to get it on in the next room. So nameless cute guy and I get a little hot and heated, things go fast and soon he's reaching for a condom. When I see him go for the prophylactic my head spins and I want off the ride. I politely excuse myself from the room with a smile, a wave, and a 'I'll be right back'. I leave the room, my head hurts, and I get that uneasy feeling of bats in the stomach. Almost everyone has left the party. Only a few of my friends and a handful of girls are left cleaning up the mess. Wow, how long were we in there ? The first thing I see is my friendly bottle of Cazadores staring at me from the bar. I oblige it and throw my head back letting the last shot trickle down my throat. Then I hear the door to the bathroom shut. Bob and Bunny are out of the room. I head back to my cute and nameless, but this time I feel compelled to hide the hookup. I scramble around and make sure all the doors to the connecting rooms are locked. I forget one and my friend--we'll call him Steve, walks in on his cell phone. He tells me that I was begging him to come into the room with me and I refute and push him out the door. *click* The door locks and I finally return to my cute and nameless guy only to find him wrapped in a paper mache toga....everything is hazy from there.
[Names have been changed to protect the innocent]
Setting: Dark bar-like atmosphere, tropical decor, smelled like alcohol. Although it looked like a bar it was a house, a BIG house with many rooms and a giant staircase. Rooms closest to the bar were connected to one another, one set of rooms were connected by a high window located above each room's respective beds. The other rooms were just connected by doors as if it were some sort of fancy hotel.
Company: A handful of friends and partygoers. This was a small spring break crowd. Pretty much all of my friends and family were there.
The scenario in bits and pieces: It's a pretty good party. I'm polishing off a full bottle of Cazadores and the guys are all downing beer. A "friend" of mine, we'll call him Bob went off and hooked up with one of my family members we'll call her Bunny. (lol) Of course I notice this and take a little interest in what's about to happen. Meanwhile a cute, nevertheless nameless guy approaches me and we hit it off. We head over to the room next to Bob and Bunny. The room just so happens to have a window and I could just barely see over the top to Bob and Bunny about to get it on in the next room. So nameless cute guy and I get a little hot and heated, things go fast and soon he's reaching for a condom. When I see him go for the prophylactic my head spins and I want off the ride. I politely excuse myself from the room with a smile, a wave, and a 'I'll be right back'. I leave the room, my head hurts, and I get that uneasy feeling of bats in the stomach. Almost everyone has left the party. Only a few of my friends and a handful of girls are left cleaning up the mess. Wow, how long were we in there ? The first thing I see is my friendly bottle of Cazadores staring at me from the bar. I oblige it and throw my head back letting the last shot trickle down my throat. Then I hear the door to the bathroom shut. Bob and Bunny are out of the room. I head back to my cute and nameless, but this time I feel compelled to hide the hookup. I scramble around and make sure all the doors to the connecting rooms are locked. I forget one and my friend--we'll call him Steve, walks in on his cell phone. He tells me that I was begging him to come into the room with me and I refute and push him out the door. *click* The door locks and I finally return to my cute and nameless guy only to find him wrapped in a paper mache toga....everything is hazy from there.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
::bgnoise:: Feist ::Let It Die::
::taste:::::: Bile
::mood::::
Miserable...
I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt like this or even if I've ever felt like this before. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I cry a lot, I do but the tears have never burned like this before. It's as if they're falling across my face, down my throat, and hanging there to strangle me until I can't breath. I can choke them back for awhile but that'll just make me vomit. I don't know what's wrong with me. I take that back. I do, but the fact that there's nothing that I can do about it just kills me. And--the things I use to do to make me happy just won't work anymore. I know that running away never solves anything but as the day drags on moving out of here just seems more and more appealing. I think I can make it work. I think I can forget the lies, sorrow, pain, frustration, and longing. I just need to find a way to speed up time. I need to get away from it.
::taste:::::: Bile
::mood::::
Miserable...
I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt like this or even if I've ever felt like this before. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I cry a lot, I do but the tears have never burned like this before. It's as if they're falling across my face, down my throat, and hanging there to strangle me until I can't breath. I can choke them back for awhile but that'll just make me vomit. I don't know what's wrong with me. I take that back. I do, but the fact that there's nothing that I can do about it just kills me. And--the things I use to do to make me happy just won't work anymore. I know that running away never solves anything but as the day drags on moving out of here just seems more and more appealing. I think I can make it work. I think I can forget the lies, sorrow, pain, frustration, and longing. I just need to find a way to speed up time. I need to get away from it.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
"What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you love. That's what matters. That's the only thing that counts."
~Last Kiss
Sometimes I do such a good job at making everyone think things are perfect, I forget that deep down we're just as fucked up as the rest of them. And when reality settles in and smashes me to the floor once again it just pushes me down that much deeper. I don't wanna get up. I don't wanna look. I can't. It's easier to keep the tears inside with my eyes shut tight.
~Last Kiss
Sometimes I do such a good job at making everyone think things are perfect, I forget that deep down we're just as fucked up as the rest of them. And when reality settles in and smashes me to the floor once again it just pushes me down that much deeper. I don't wanna get up. I don't wanna look. I can't. It's easier to keep the tears inside with my eyes shut tight.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Saturday, January 06, 2007
::bgnoise:: Jacqueline Nassar ::The Window::
::taste:::::: Chamomile Tea
I wrote words for her...I spoke them and didn't cry.
She was caring, giving, and a loving mother to everyone.
As I lay my head upon her shallow breaths I felt her last heartbeat. It told me not to be afraid, not to be sad, because life goes on, and her spirit lives on. It told me her life was lived for everyone else. That she gave her all until the very end, not wanting to leave her family for fear of their falling. It spoke soft words of understanding, pain, fear, love, hope, devotion...secretly whispering into my ear that everything will be ok. I held her there and felt her arms reach around me, to hold me just as she had always done, and I felt her love for me. Her eyes, now glassy look out into nothing, yet say so much. She wants to speak but the words don't come, yet I hear everything that she wants to say. She says to tell everyone that I refuse to leave you all. I refuse to let you drown. I will keep you safe here in my arms, forever. I will be waiting and watching. Her wings spread out into the heavens, the clouds take her shape. So whenever you look up into the sky please remember her arms, outstretched upon the open sky holding you, keeping you safe, refusing to let you fall, watching and waiting til the day our souls will meet.
::taste:::::: Chamomile Tea
I wrote words for her...I spoke them and didn't cry.
She was caring, giving, and a loving mother to everyone.
As I lay my head upon her shallow breaths I felt her last heartbeat. It told me not to be afraid, not to be sad, because life goes on, and her spirit lives on. It told me her life was lived for everyone else. That she gave her all until the very end, not wanting to leave her family for fear of their falling. It spoke soft words of understanding, pain, fear, love, hope, devotion...secretly whispering into my ear that everything will be ok. I held her there and felt her arms reach around me, to hold me just as she had always done, and I felt her love for me. Her eyes, now glassy look out into nothing, yet say so much. She wants to speak but the words don't come, yet I hear everything that she wants to say. She says to tell everyone that I refuse to leave you all. I refuse to let you drown. I will keep you safe here in my arms, forever. I will be waiting and watching. Her wings spread out into the heavens, the clouds take her shape. So whenever you look up into the sky please remember her arms, outstretched upon the open sky holding you, keeping you safe, refusing to let you fall, watching and waiting til the day our souls will meet.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
::bgnoise:: Magenetic North ::doin' just fine::
::taste:::::: Stale air
::mood:::::
Although it was fleeting I slept still and sound last night. The rain pounded against the window pane and lulled me to sleep around 2:33am. It was surprisingly warm. I didn't have to shut the window all the way and I didn't have to wrap myself up like a stuffed pouch as per usual. It was an odd feeling to be ok by myself. The feeling came full stop once I woke up around 5:51am. I had a seemingly placid dream that turned out to be one of my worst nightmares. :::And I was alright for awhile. Tell me why ? 'Cause I was doing so good for a few hours::: Here's the dream:
I was alone in a dark room. I remember a shaft of light, but it was only enough for me to see shadows and not enough to comfort me. The light came from behind and I could see the silhouette of a doorway in front of me. I never moved in my dream. I didn't really need to. I didn't really want to. I was just there in a room, by myself, watching a door. Maybe I was waiting for someone to walk through that door. Maybe I was trying to get the courage to walk out that door myself. Maybe I was just waiting and watching and nothing more.
Someone please ask me if I'm alright. When I answer, don't believe a single word that comes out of my mouth. I lie. Sometimes I think that if someone just taps in just a little bit a whole fountain will pour out. I feel like the Hoover Dam sometimes. I know you say you want to hear about what's really going on in this fucked up little head of mine but I'm not sure if you really do. Hence why I started writing again.
::taste:::::: Stale air
::mood:::::
Although it was fleeting I slept still and sound last night. The rain pounded against the window pane and lulled me to sleep around 2:33am. It was surprisingly warm. I didn't have to shut the window all the way and I didn't have to wrap myself up like a stuffed pouch as per usual. It was an odd feeling to be ok by myself. The feeling came full stop once I woke up around 5:51am. I had a seemingly placid dream that turned out to be one of my worst nightmares. :::And I was alright for awhile. Tell me why ? 'Cause I was doing so good for a few hours::: Here's the dream:
I was alone in a dark room. I remember a shaft of light, but it was only enough for me to see shadows and not enough to comfort me. The light came from behind and I could see the silhouette of a doorway in front of me. I never moved in my dream. I didn't really need to. I didn't really want to. I was just there in a room, by myself, watching a door. Maybe I was waiting for someone to walk through that door. Maybe I was trying to get the courage to walk out that door myself. Maybe I was just waiting and watching and nothing more.
Someone please ask me if I'm alright. When I answer, don't believe a single word that comes out of my mouth. I lie. Sometimes I think that if someone just taps in just a little bit a whole fountain will pour out. I feel like the Hoover Dam sometimes. I know you say you want to hear about what's really going on in this fucked up little head of mine but I'm not sure if you really do. Hence why I started writing again.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
I never knew a satellite could be a star but it's always appeared that way from a distance. I've always had a hard time distinguishing between the two.
I like looking at the sky. I don't question why or how it all works it just does and that's alright with me. The night sky has been clear the past few days. Clear enough to see a billion and one stars.
Clear enough to get lost in the enormity of it all.
The sky is a big deal even though we don't really think about it that much. Sometimes I like to think it can hold me in one place forever but of course it can't.
I need to learn to organize my thoughts...
My brain paused--I gotta jump up and down to get it to warm up. I think I had a little too much caffeine.
I like looking at the sky. I don't question why or how it all works it just does and that's alright with me. The night sky has been clear the past few days. Clear enough to see a billion and one stars.
Clear enough to get lost in the enormity of it all.
The sky is a big deal even though we don't really think about it that much. Sometimes I like to think it can hold me in one place forever but of course it can't.
I need to learn to organize my thoughts...
My brain paused--I gotta jump up and down to get it to warm up. I think I had a little too much caffeine.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
::bgnoise:: Crickets and Frogs
::taste:::::: Cherry Slurpee
::mood:::::
My lungs have staged an all out war on me. I've been coughing up blood spots all day and spotting the tissue when I blow my nose. I'm seriously considering quitting smoking. I'm certainly not ready to quit but it's getting to the point where I just feel so stupid having a smoke. It relaxes me when I need to chill but then again this yoga kick I've been going towards might relax me also. I don't know why I smoke. I just like it.
I once promised my mom I would quit smoking. I never kept my promise because she never kept hers. BUT that's not really an excuse. She had no control over her promise and I have total control over mine. We'll see what happens. If the doc says I've got pneumonia I will quit right there....if not I will still seriously consider it.
::taste:::::: Cherry Slurpee
::mood:::::
My lungs have staged an all out war on me. I've been coughing up blood spots all day and spotting the tissue when I blow my nose. I'm seriously considering quitting smoking. I'm certainly not ready to quit but it's getting to the point where I just feel so stupid having a smoke. It relaxes me when I need to chill but then again this yoga kick I've been going towards might relax me also. I don't know why I smoke. I just like it.
I once promised my mom I would quit smoking. I never kept my promise because she never kept hers. BUT that's not really an excuse. She had no control over her promise and I have total control over mine. We'll see what happens. If the doc says I've got pneumonia I will quit right there....if not I will still seriously consider it.
::bgnoise:: Crickets and Frogs
::taste:::::: Cherry Coke Slurpee
::mood:::::
So today I dutifully failed my midterm for my cinematography class. Considering that I spent the whole day cramming for it when I coulda been getting some Z's......it kinda bums me out. The thing that really gets me is that I made a shitload of index cards directly from the review paper and I studied them diligently but I still wound up clueless in room 100. Fuck it. I don't really care as long as I get a passing grade. Shit, I need that trip to Hawaii real bad.
I should go smoke a cigarette and go to bed. ERGH look at me I'm still smoking and I have this awful cough. I'm a naughty little asthmatic. My dad thinks I have walking pneumonia but he doesn't realize that I've just smoked my lungs stupid and they are just getting back at me. El sigh...I really better get to bed. It's about 3 in the am and I have work tomorrow morning. I LOVE MY LIFE ^_____^
::taste:::::: Cherry Coke Slurpee
::mood:::::
So today I dutifully failed my midterm for my cinematography class. Considering that I spent the whole day cramming for it when I coulda been getting some Z's......it kinda bums me out. The thing that really gets me is that I made a shitload of index cards directly from the review paper and I studied them diligently but I still wound up clueless in room 100. Fuck it. I don't really care as long as I get a passing grade. Shit, I need that trip to Hawaii real bad.
I should go smoke a cigarette and go to bed. ERGH look at me I'm still smoking and I have this awful cough. I'm a naughty little asthmatic. My dad thinks I have walking pneumonia but he doesn't realize that I've just smoked my lungs stupid and they are just getting back at me. El sigh...I really better get to bed. It's about 3 in the am and I have work tomorrow morning. I LOVE MY LIFE ^_____^
Friday, June 18, 2004
Photo Stuff [The Cuzzie Escapade]
[June 16th, 2oo4] So, the Cuzzie (Kristee) and I decided to go out on the town. I forget what it was exactly that we planned to do, but anyway-- here's what we actually did.
Of course we had to take a trip to 7-11 first. I needed cigarettes. But ono guess what. That phone over there is tapped !
Next up we went over to target to get...something. We came across this book whos author is Carla Neggers. I just had to get a picture of this slightly racist book cover. BTW the cuzzie is modeling the book for us here.
Someone got caught ! (just kidding, she was actually posing. I think.)
Mr. Pizza man welcomed us to his humble abode, and he fed us good too.
Kristee holds the cash 'cause she's hardcore.
I made her pose for the camera, but the man wasn't there to take our money.
This is what we ordered.
I can't remember if we were high or not in this picture. I think it was taken around her backyard, but for some reason I can't remember. I'm pretty sure this is where the adventure ends.
Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm a sumo.
[June 16th, 2oo4] So, the Cuzzie (Kristee) and I decided to go out on the town. I forget what it was exactly that we planned to do, but anyway-- here's what we actually did.
Of course we had to take a trip to 7-11 first. I needed cigarettes. But ono guess what. That phone over there is tapped !
Next up we went over to target to get...something. We came across this book whos author is Carla Neggers. I just had to get a picture of this slightly racist book cover. BTW the cuzzie is modeling the book for us here.
Someone got caught ! (just kidding, she was actually posing. I think.)
Mr. Pizza man welcomed us to his humble abode, and he fed us good too.
Kristee holds the cash 'cause she's hardcore.
I made her pose for the camera, but the man wasn't there to take our money.
This is what we ordered.
I can't remember if we were high or not in this picture. I think it was taken around her backyard, but for some reason I can't remember. I'm pretty sure this is where the adventure ends.
Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm a sumo.
Photo Stuff [Korilla & Stephamonkey]
[June 14th, 2oo4] So, me and the Stephamonkey decided to take a trip to downtown SF to go see a movie. I drove, we picked up a textbook I needed for class,and headed over to the Metreon. We bought the tickets for the movie, The Stepford Wives, and then we headed outside to take some pictures.
I smoked a cigarette and took some quick snaps of us posing as comedy and tragedy.
Steph tried to squish the happy couples between her fingers.
And here we have another happy couple. I love seeing 'boyfriends'.
I thought this was nice. There were other quotes on the walls but this was my favorite. (don't worry, I'm still racist)
Look how pretty this place is. A calm little waterfall out in the park. My camera isn't fast enough to get a clear shot of the water, but this will just have to do.
Now we were ready to watch the movie. I hate these goddamn Fanta commercials but I have to admit--I did kinda wanta Fanta right then. \= "Psst, down in front !"
[June 14th, 2oo4] So, me and the Stephamonkey decided to take a trip to downtown SF to go see a movie. I drove, we picked up a textbook I needed for class,and headed over to the Metreon. We bought the tickets for the movie, The Stepford Wives, and then we headed outside to take some pictures.
I smoked a cigarette and took some quick snaps of us posing as comedy and tragedy.
Steph tried to squish the happy couples between her fingers.
And here we have another happy couple. I love seeing 'boyfriends'.
I thought this was nice. There were other quotes on the walls but this was my favorite. (don't worry, I'm still racist)
Look how pretty this place is. A calm little waterfall out in the park. My camera isn't fast enough to get a clear shot of the water, but this will just have to do.
Now we were ready to watch the movie. I hate these goddamn Fanta commercials but I have to admit--I did kinda wanta Fanta right then. \= "Psst, down in front !"
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