::bgnoise:: Yellowcard -=One Year, Six Months=-
::taste:::::: Menthol
::mood:::::

I took a nap today. My allergies were killing me so I took some tylenol allergy maximum strength. It made me sleepy and I conked out at noon. While I was sleeping my brain told me two stories. They were weird. It was almost as if they were memories, not dreams. It was like I was remembering things from the past. Granted these stories were too outrageous to be true. I would have remembered. So, I'm gonna tell you, my journal, two stories.

[storyone]
It was late in the evening and people in the kitchen mingled with the people in the living room. I could barely hold on to my thoughts because my head was filled with a loud chatter. I leaned up against the counter and stared at the semi-partition that connected the living room to the kitchen. A skinny white lady drunkenly held herself up against the wall. She clutched a rough looking glass in her left hand and pressed her right hand up to her chest as she graciously giggled to an older man in a suit. As I searched around the room for someone I knew I noticed that almost everyone had similar rough glasses in their hands. I turned back to watch the flirty lady strenuously trying to seduce the man in the suit. And as she leaned in towards the man to whisper in his ear her grip on the glass tightened. I winced as the sound of crashing glass pierced my ear. The rooms fell silent and everyone looked around at each other for answers. Then the party picked back up again. An older woman ran over to the embarassed flirt to clean up the broken glass. I sighed and closed my eyes and in the distance I could make out another sound of glass breaking. I opened my eyes to see people all over the room crushing their glasses in their hands. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. What the hell was going on? A woman in a black dress came up to me and smiled. She held a rough glass out at me and I hesitantly took it from her hand. The glass was surprisingly light and felt delicate to the touch. If I squeezed it just a little it would break--and it did. Crushing the glass between my hands felt somewhat liberating. I attempted to let out a big sigh but my breath had seemed to escape me. I clutched my chest and struggled to get one little breath of air into my lungs. I couldn't breath and it hurt. As the panic started kicking in and people started to notice what was going on the chatter in my head grew louder. I could hear a woman scream, "Do something!" in the background. As I fell to my knees the woman in black came towards me with a pen in her hand. It was black, just like her dress, and the tip was broken off and blunt. She pulled my lip open and pressed the tip of the pen into my lower lip. I tried to scream and push her away, but my breath was gone so I couldn't scream and I was so weak from lack of oxygen that I couldn't lift my arms. She counted down and pressed harder with every count. 3.....2.....1..... The pain was dull but had the strength of a major migrane headache. In a flash it was over and everything faded from my sight. Everything was black for awhile. Then I woke up. Things were still black, so I found use of my arm and pulled it off my face. I stared up at the ceiling and watched the fan slowly rotate in a low hum.


Yeah, that was a bit longer than I had expected. I'll write down the other later. ~kori (¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: Blink 182-=I Miss You=-
::taste:::::: Tropical
::mood:::::

Unfinished Song

Rusty staples hold together
Broken bodies, stormy weather.
Patch the clouds up in the sky,
And wish it all would die.
In the dreams of those we lost,
Pay the toll, we pay the cost,
And if it ever comes to this
Think of those we've come to miss.

We'll mend these tears,
Throw away these years,
Train our eyes
To see past all the lies,
Cut down the weeping willows,
and wash these tear stained pillows.
The pieces are gone
And we'll move on.
Move on.

::bgnoise:: -=Silence=-
::taste:::::: bland
::mood::::: /

I post when you post ? is what I would title this entry if I titled my entries.

So yea...I got into an argument today. I wasn't really arguing about the point at hand tho. I was arguing about something that really had nothing to do with the pent up anger that I (for the most part) keep at bay. I was arguing about stupid stuff like moving out and donating cars, when what I really wanted to yell about was lies, deception, morality, decency, and pain. But I didn't....

So I'm gonna move out. Once again I'm going to pick up my stuff and run away, just like I do with every other confrontation I get into, only this time it's literally. Fuck me for not being able to come clean and have a mature conversation about the matter at hand. Fuck me for not being able to choke the words out of my mouth when I have something emotional to say. Fuck me for copping out when things get too heavy. So...I hate myself for this but I'll get over it by tomorrow morning. I don't know when I'll be leaving but I will be leaving. I can't stay here in this house. The air is thick with lies and I'm finding it hard to breath. Mind you, half the lies are my own but the other half will not be where I'm going.

I'm sick....no really I'm sick. I gotta go to the docter. They'll make me better.

There's a storm outside. It's raining and windy out. The end.


~kori (¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: Jason Mraz -=Curbside Prophet (live)=-
::taste:::::: Sour Apple Altoid
::mood:::::

I really have nothing to write about but since everyone else updates frequently I guess I'll jump on the bandwagon and do the same.

So, uhm, I've been doing this whole 'school' thing again and it really feels like I'm doing nothing. Last semester was so tough but this semester is starting off so slow. I mean yea, I have a lot of shit to do and everything but it just seems so....minimal in comparison. I have some story boards to do, I need to write up a budget and do some papers. Feels a lot like high school. The first day I walked into my English class that's the exact feeling I got. I fucking took this damned class already. Same with art history. That's just not as bad 'cause I seem to be learning new stuff in that class. As for English.....peh. Perhaps I'm just speaking too soon. English used to be my favorite subject in high school but now that I know there's so much more to learn than just the fundamentals (like English, History, Math...) those things seem to be so trifle. I wanna go back to taking classes like Protools, and Media100 (i still hate that program). I just wanna play. But I guess school isn't all just fun and games all the time. Why oh why did I pick such a boring schedule. *knock on wood*

I ran out of my room last nite 'cause I heard my dad screaming. He was having a nightmare. He gets real bad ones, almost like night terrors but without the walking about and such. So I knocked on his door and asked him if he was alrite. He was breathing heavy and sweating. He told me that he had a dream about his brother, my uncle Stanley. In his dream Uncle Stanley was being crushed between two walls. It musta scared him something aweful 'cause he woke up screaming. He's had dreams like this before. The worst thing about it is there was always some truth in his dreams. Right before mom got 'sick' (it doesn't sound so serious if i write it like that) he had a dream about her and me. I don't recall all of it but what I do remember is that there was a tsunami and we were on a bridge. The wave came and swept up my mom and he woke up screaming. When gramma died he had a shooting pain in his chest right before they found her in the bathroom. And when my Uncle Guy died my dad was just so conviniently on his way to his house. This has got to be tough on my dad. He loses his wife and his brother almost exactly one year apart. Things are weird. Maybe life does give us some sort of inkling that something bad is going to happen. I sure hope this dream doesn't mean anything, I don't know if our family could take another tsunami.

~Kori(¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: Mariah Carey -=Melt Away=-
::taste:::::: water
::mood:::::

"this has gone on way too long and i'm tired of moving on. this has gone on way too long and i know that this is not the way it should be. "

I wanted to write something today 'cause it just felt right ya know ? But I don't know what to write. There's always gonna be that inscrutable fact that life is the way it is. I see so many people from day to day and I wonder how shitty their life is because I can't see it any other way. No one is alone in this matter. Fucked up. Why does life have to be so fucked up ? I know if I had thought about this years ago I wouldn't have any right to say that life is fucked up because it wasn't. And now I'm left here to wallow in the past to think about the things that were. I never knew that things were so perfect until I was thrust into this unperfect world. I was spoiled, not in a sense that I had everything as a child but in the fact that up until gramma died I had never felt a loss. After that came a bunch of years without loss also. Then, WTF, all things came crashing down. Things started going haywire. Where did we fuck up ? What did we do wrong ? Why do things have to be the way they are ? Taking my own advice....don't ask why just push through it and move on.

kori(¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: The Ataris -=San Dimas High School Football Rules=-
::taste:::::: V8 Splash (tropical)
::mood:::::

Don't smile so hard you'll make yourself bleed. It's a bad habit we all have to break. Kinda like peeing in the pool, it's warm at the time but in the end you're still just swimming in your own waste. Wallowing in your own shit. But memories will become hazy, things will eventually be alright. Just alright. Just say alright. Alright. Things seem to feel so mind numbingly surreal. The past is a blur, just whizzes past my head and doesn't stop to say hello. Sometimes it returns to kick me in the ass. I'd write a list of things to remember but I don't want to. Remember....remember ? Don't press into matters beyond your control. Things tend to get distorted with your face pressed up against the window like that. Smudging up the glass with your heated breath will do nothing but make you look stupid-make you look like you care when you don't. You really don't. Is it that you just want them to know ? To know everything you wished you knew. You know but have forgotten. Time doesn't stand still for anyone, life doesn't wait for you to catch your breath, memories don't wait for you to remember. But the world, in fact, does revolve around you. Don't let your light go out yet. Things are looking up and she is looking down. Hold your breath, dive down deep, get your bearings, moving on never to see any other way.

~Kori (­¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: Dishwalla -=Candleburn=-
::taste:::::: dragonfruit Vitamin Water
::mood:::::

oooh, I found this while looking for a notebook to use for class.

I Cry Myself to Sleep

I cry myself to sleep
No one can hear me weep.
I keep the sorrow in
For sharing is a sin.
My life is not a book
For you to take a look.
The burden is not yours
So shut the open doors.
Don't think it is not true
That I can be so blue.
My thoughts are never wrong
Until you came along.
To me they're always right.
My heart I do not fight.
Come listen to the rain.
You cannot feel the pain.
You don't believe its real
But it's not what you feel.
I see your thoughts untrue.
In light I have but few.
So turn your head in shame
Until you feel the same.
No one can hear me weep
I cry myself to sleep.




old old piece of shit poetry.
~kori (¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: -=the earth shattering silence=-
::taste:::::: menthol
::mood:::::

i've been crying a lot lately. i think it might be because now that i don't have school i have nothing better to do than wallow in my own self-pity. there's not really much nowadays to take my mind off this heart wrenching pain. i have nothing to set my mind to, therefore my mind has just become this puddle of mush that oozes out the side of my head. i've lost all sense of rationalization. i've lost the will to keep myself from going off the deep end. my emotions can't be kept in the dark pit of my stomache forever. so it tends to come out on sleepless nites. every nite has been a sleepless nite. i sleep during the day because looking at everything in the daylight just doesn't seem right. my world has become a distorted sense of well being. i've been getting into list making so i shall make a list of things that remind me of my mom and long for her presence.

•the trees
•the roads
•the malls
•songs
•the sky
•the birds
•the sun
•the moon
•my dog
•my family
•the bills
•e-mail
•my clothes
•my hair
•my reflection in the mirror

when i look at myself in the mirror i try hard to remember what she looked like. i try and tell myself that i will try my best to be like her in every way. i will be kind and giving. i will always put others before myself. i will do random acts of kindness just for the hell of it. and i begin to wonder why things had to end up like this. how can this life be so cruel as to take my one true best friend away from me. i think about how she wont be there for my wedding, and how she wont be around to see my children. i think about not being able to see her reaction when i tell her that i got such good grades in school.

its times like these when i start to think about the afterlife. everyone's going around spouting all sorts of crap about "going to a better place" and how they "will be watching over me." and i have to say, i don't buy any of that bs. if its so true then why don't i see her in my dreams, why don't i feel her presence around me, why don't i feel like she's still somewhere? i'm sorry, i just don't buy it.

so yea....i've been crying a lot lately but i was reading in both of my cuzzie's journals and i know that i'm not alone. i take comfort in the fact that perhaps when a tear falls down my cheek a tear is falling down one of theirs and i don't have to suffer this god aweful pain alone.

aren't we all going a bit insane ?


--------------------------------------------------

and in the harsh cold of the nite
my stinging tears hit the pillow as i think of you.
as i remember the times in my life
when you used to tell me everything will be alrite.

and when things start to get rough
i cant help but fight the feeling that you've left me alone.
i hold back the feelings of pain
but i feel as if the memories just can't be contained.

i listen hard for your voice to come ringing through the clouds
but this silence in me is eating me from inside out.

and everything feels as if its died inside of me.
and everything feels that this is not how it should be.
'cause i miss you
and i wish you
were still around to tell me everything will be ok.


~kori(­¬_¬)

I'll Meet You There ~Simple Plan

Now you're gone
I wonder why you left me here
I think about it on and on and on and on and on again
I know you're never coming back
I hope that you can hear me
I'm waiting to hear from you
Until I do

You're gone away
I'm left alone
A part of me is gone
And I'm not moving on
So wait for me
I know the day will come

I'll meet you there
No matter where life takes me to
I'll meet you there
And even if I need you here
I'll meet you there

I wish I could have told you
The things I kept inside
But now I guess it's just too late
So many things remind me of you
I hope that you can hear me
I miss you
This is goodbye
One last time
You're gone away
Im left alone.
A part of me is gone
And im not moving on
So wait for me
I know the day will come

I'll meet you there
No matter where life takes me to
I'll meet you there
And even if I need you here
I'll meet you there

No matter where life takes me
I'll meet you there

And even if i need you
Ill meet you there
Ill meet you there
Ill meet you there

::bgnoise:: keith sweat -=i'll give all my love to you=-
::taste:::::: water
::mood:::::


I've lost myself again, and its been
too long, so long.
And I dont kno what I've missed, dismissed its been
too much, its been so much
that I can't remember what it is.
Can't seem to get straight. It's rushed and it's
too late, so late.

I've talked myself through the dreams, and it seems
so far, it seems too far.
And I don't kno what I've caught but its not
so bad. It's too bad
that I can't seem to get straight. It's rushed and it's
too late, it's so late. It's too damn late.

::bgnoise:: taking back sunday -=cute without the e (cut from the team)=-
::taste:::::: nothing
::mood:::::

[diet]
i've lost five lbs since this diet started. i'd say its been a week and 1/2. me and my aunt started on weight watchers yesterday. ugh....waking up at 7:15 on sunday mornings ? i'm not sure i'm gonna make it. we'll see. i have ten weeks to lose 15 lbs. with the amount of food that they let me eat it should be a piece of cake. i've never eaten so little in my life. i just wish i were skinny and beautiful.

in other news---

--- there is a new bebe in the fam fam. mori fanning ono, tom and bridget's kid. boy ? girl ? dunno dont ask.

--- baby taylor, greg and may's little girl, had her first birthday yesterday. she also said her first word yesterday. "goodnite" only a few of us were there to witness it, and no one would believe us. may, miki, grant, and i were trying to get the baby to sleep. miki looked at her and said goodnite and taylor mimicked her. miki freaked out and me and may celebrated. i tried to get her to say it again and she ended up saying it three times. later she said "ina" which is the nickname for her sister, selena.

--- the "stand up for justice" premiere is coming up. "stand up for justice" is a documentary about ralph lazo. a boy who followed his japanese american friends to a concentration camp. it premieres in little tokyo L.A. Feb. 21

--- i finally registered for my classes. three campus classes and two online classes. its quite a load so wish me luck. last semester's grades were 3 A's and a B.

--- the fam fam is going to hawaii (hopefully). i think maybe sometime in july. we are waiting to get everyone's schedule's so that we can plan a safe date. my aunti's friend is lending us a condo. whoo !

hear what i say ? yea, any day.

~kori (­­¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: dashboard confessional -=hands down=-
::taste:::::: cream of chicken noodle soup
::mood:::::

is this some sort of sick joke ? i mean seriously, could there be a worse time to get sick ? i have final projects up that ass to do AND HERE I AM GETTING SICK. for the most part i just feel sick and groggy but then again the rest of me feels highly annoyed at the way shit goes down. i still need to finish up my editing project, and my sound project, i have a final exam today for editing, i have a presentation (pitch) due next wednesday, a final exam in history next friday, and i need to show up to every class for the next two weeks !!!!! i have a feelings it bronchitis. its always bronchitis. i'm sure my cuzzies feel me on this. its a PAIN in the ASS ! so i now i have to wake up tomorrow @ 7:45 to go to the doc before class. then they can put me on steroids and that danged breathing machine. oh well i just need to suck it up. only two more weeks to go and im done with this horrible semester. WHEW.
anyways, i drew this guy last nite.

i'm off to class yo.
~(¬_¬) kori

::bgnoise:: the used -=buried alive=-
::taste:::::: juego de naranja
::mood:::::

i was checking out everyone's profiles on aim today. you kno the usuals...checking up on my cousins. well, i found a linky on my cuzzie's profile and i just couldn't help myself--i clicked it. turns out the damn thing was a virus. it took me to a webpage with a pop up that wouldn't go away. eek ! so i had to "ctrl + alt + del" and close the window from the task manager. then i couldn't get this stupid message out from my aim profile. i figure my cuzzie is - err was having the same problem. is that right cuz ? anyways, luckily i found out the way to get rid of the virus. what an annoying bug ! sheesh. (cuzzie if you need help with it i'll tell you how to fix it.)

in other news. its getting close to the end of the year and all my friends are stressing out. i guess....so am i. not really stressing tho, i have just come to accept the fact that i have a lot to do. rest assured, it will get done. the major thing is going to be my sound project. for that project alone i need to:

- record the dialogue
- record the foley
- place both dialogue and foley on the timeline
- tweak the levels
- add filters
- work on mixing

for my editing project all i need to do is add some more clips. i'll be gathering them at the eleventeen show @ cafe du nord this sunday and also at the metreon 105.3 studio. (hopefully) saturday i have to go to sebastepol (sp?) for yet another memorial service. seems like all we do now is go to funerals and memorial services. still, it should be nice spending some time with my aunties on the drive over there.
so~ two more weeks and im out for the semester. i'll see everyone for the holidays.

~kori(¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: the all-american rejects -=happy endings=-
::taste:::::: candy cane
::mood:::::

this was written a long time ago. i thought i would post it because i found it beautifully depressing.

so what do you do when the the ceiling of your world comes crashing down ontop of you unexpectedly, and your carpenter has left and gone forever ? now i gotta think, do i wanna spend the rest of my life homeless and all alone or would i rather pick up the pieces and put my world back together again.

i mope around the house as a sullen ghost looking through the sheets of despair. the shit of the world tears at my skin and i cant bear anymore of this chaos. i have a sickness in my stomache....my heart gets dark like the skys before a storm. this tragedy has yet to end.

i cant help but think about the way that things were, and not how things will be. why must it be so hard for me to look towards my future and not dwell on my past ? with people dying every month....im afraid that this year will be worse. considering that nothing could be worse than losing my mother, nothing this year could possibly get to me that much. FUCK !!! i cant stand existence.

~kori (¬_¬)

E-CON update.
i have updated my list of mood emoticons. here they are: