Photo Stuff [The Cuzzie Escapade]

[June 16th, 2oo4] So, the Cuzzie (Kristee) and I decided to go out on the town. I forget what it was exactly that we planned to do, but anyway-- here's what we actually did.

Of course we had to take a trip to 7-11 first. I needed cigarettes. But ono guess what. That phone over there is tapped !

Next up we went over to target to get...something. We came across this book whos author is Carla Neggers. I just had to get a picture of this slightly racist book cover. BTW the cuzzie is modeling the book for us here.

Someone got caught ! (just kidding, she was actually posing. I think.)

Mr. Pizza man welcomed us to his humble abode, and he fed us good too.

Kristee holds the cash 'cause she's hardcore.

I made her pose for the camera, but the man wasn't there to take our money.

This is what we ordered.

I can't remember if we were high or not in this picture. I think it was taken around her backyard, but for some reason I can't remember. I'm pretty sure this is where the adventure ends.



Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm a sumo.

Photo Stuff [Korilla & Stephamonkey]

[June 14th, 2oo4] So, me and the Stephamonkey decided to take a trip to downtown SF to go see a movie. I drove, we picked up a textbook I needed for class,and headed over to the Metreon. We bought the tickets for the movie, The Stepford Wives, and then we headed outside to take some pictures.

I smoked a cigarette and took some quick snaps of us posing as comedy and tragedy.

Steph tried to squish the happy couples between her fingers.

And here we have another happy couple. I love seeing 'boyfriends'.

I thought this was nice. There were other quotes on the walls but this was my favorite. (don't worry, I'm still racist)

Look how pretty this place is. A calm little waterfall out in the park. My camera isn't fast enough to get a clear shot of the water, but this will just have to do.

Now we were ready to watch the movie. I hate these goddamn Fanta commercials but I have to admit--I did kinda wanta Fanta right then. \= "Psst, down in front !"

Eysenck's Test Results

Extraversion (54%) medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, optimistic, and sociable. Neuroticism (55%) medium which suggests you are moderately worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous. Psychoticism (68%) moderately high which suggests you tend to be offensive, uncooperative, and rebellious.

Take Eysenck's EPQ-R based Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Disturbing memories come back to the surface, reminding you of events and obligations that you'd rather forget. Unresolved issues won't go away until you make at least a sincere gesture toward fixing them. It's all too easy to push things aside. You've done it before and gained yourself a little breathing space. But unless you deal with these disruptions one last time, you obliterate the chances of finishing anything new that you might start. Why go there again? Surely the future is more interesting than the past. For once, it would be refreshing to not always know the answer.


Today's horroscope. I wanted to remind myself. I'll write more about this later.

::bgnoise:: Brand New -=Mix Tape=-
::taste:::::: Fanta -- Strawberry
::mood:::::

So~ I'll be back to posting more frequently like I used to.
I finished up my finals last week, and I'm gonna sit around and be lazy this week before I go look for my summer job. I have about one month before I start summer school. *WHOO* I'm just looking forward to Hawaii. I gotta work on getting my body into shape by August. Maybe I could look good in a two piece again. ¬_¬ maybe..

I'm drawing more but I don't like anything I do. I should just draw until I can't draw anymore or until my brain explodes. I think my brain has already driven itself into creative overload.

My cousins came back from college last weekend. Well they didn't come back exactly. They came to visit. We went to see the Lion King musical and ate a burrito. =\ ehm...burritos, if you count the one I had the night before. HUGE fuckin' burritos. *heh heh* Anyway, I was surprised by the Lion King. It was awesomely awesome. The set design and costumes were fantastic even tho the singing wasn't exactly spectacular. I still enjoyed it, even moreso because I was with my cousins.

So this weekend I'll be driving to Santa Barbara to pick up Kristee. There's a hush hush party this weekend and I'm making it mandatory for her to come. I'll be glad when this party is all over and done with. It's been pretty stressful but I'm sure it'll be somewhat well worth it in the end.

Alright I think I've covered everything....now bye.

~Kori ¬_¬

::bgnoise:: Some birds outside my window -=Chirp chirp=-
::taste:::::: bland
::mood:::::

Mom--
So the cold air is coming through my window now and I'm shaking from head to toe, but I don't wanna close that window now because--I just don't. Yesterday was Mother's day and I wanted to tell you that I love you. I would have called you up but I don't know your number. I meant to sit down by that tree--that tree we spread your ashes on but I didn't sit down by that tree because you weren't there. I was going to buy you flowers because you love the way they smell but I didn't buy you flowers because you're not here to smell them. Teddy bears and chocolates are the things I used to buy you but if I had to buy you one last present it would be none of these. I'd tell you that I love you, I'd tell you that I care, but I can't tell you anything because you are not here.
--Kori

Blog--
It's cold outside, it's cold inside. I can't stand this weather. The sun is coming up and I can hear those annoying birds chirping. It's nearly six thirty in the morning and I haven't been able to sleep. There are things I could be doing right now that would be better than sleeping. Writing in my blog is not one of them. I'll do it anyway. I can see the sun just barely shining over the treetops, but it still feels like noon. I can't find my cigarettes but I know where they are. I could really use one right now but I'm too lazy to go outside and get them. The dog is twitching in his sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Chasing squirrels perhaps ? He makes muffled whimpers and kicks at the door which makes a loud thudding noise. Is thudding even a word. My eyes are sore from being open so long. They're also puffy from salt. Blinking only makes me sleepier. I think I'll go to bed.
--Kori

::bgnoise:: Yellowcard -=One Year, Six Months=-
::taste:::::: Menthol
::mood:::::

I took a nap today. My allergies were killing me so I took some tylenol allergy maximum strength. It made me sleepy and I conked out at noon. While I was sleeping my brain told me two stories. They were weird. It was almost as if they were memories, not dreams. It was like I was remembering things from the past. Granted these stories were too outrageous to be true. I would have remembered. So, I'm gonna tell you, my journal, two stories.

[storyone]
It was late in the evening and people in the kitchen mingled with the people in the living room. I could barely hold on to my thoughts because my head was filled with a loud chatter. I leaned up against the counter and stared at the semi-partition that connected the living room to the kitchen. A skinny white lady drunkenly held herself up against the wall. She clutched a rough looking glass in her left hand and pressed her right hand up to her chest as she graciously giggled to an older man in a suit. As I searched around the room for someone I knew I noticed that almost everyone had similar rough glasses in their hands. I turned back to watch the flirty lady strenuously trying to seduce the man in the suit. And as she leaned in towards the man to whisper in his ear her grip on the glass tightened. I winced as the sound of crashing glass pierced my ear. The rooms fell silent and everyone looked around at each other for answers. Then the party picked back up again. An older woman ran over to the embarassed flirt to clean up the broken glass. I sighed and closed my eyes and in the distance I could make out another sound of glass breaking. I opened my eyes to see people all over the room crushing their glasses in their hands. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. What the hell was going on? A woman in a black dress came up to me and smiled. She held a rough glass out at me and I hesitantly took it from her hand. The glass was surprisingly light and felt delicate to the touch. If I squeezed it just a little it would break--and it did. Crushing the glass between my hands felt somewhat liberating. I attempted to let out a big sigh but my breath had seemed to escape me. I clutched my chest and struggled to get one little breath of air into my lungs. I couldn't breath and it hurt. As the panic started kicking in and people started to notice what was going on the chatter in my head grew louder. I could hear a woman scream, "Do something!" in the background. As I fell to my knees the woman in black came towards me with a pen in her hand. It was black, just like her dress, and the tip was broken off and blunt. She pulled my lip open and pressed the tip of the pen into my lower lip. I tried to scream and push her away, but my breath was gone so I couldn't scream and I was so weak from lack of oxygen that I couldn't lift my arms. She counted down and pressed harder with every count. 3.....2.....1..... The pain was dull but had the strength of a major migrane headache. In a flash it was over and everything faded from my sight. Everything was black for awhile. Then I woke up. Things were still black, so I found use of my arm and pulled it off my face. I stared up at the ceiling and watched the fan slowly rotate in a low hum.


Yeah, that was a bit longer than I had expected. I'll write down the other later. ~kori (¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: Blink 182-=I Miss You=-
::taste:::::: Tropical
::mood:::::

Unfinished Song

Rusty staples hold together
Broken bodies, stormy weather.
Patch the clouds up in the sky,
And wish it all would die.
In the dreams of those we lost,
Pay the toll, we pay the cost,
And if it ever comes to this
Think of those we've come to miss.

We'll mend these tears,
Throw away these years,
Train our eyes
To see past all the lies,
Cut down the weeping willows,
and wash these tear stained pillows.
The pieces are gone
And we'll move on.
Move on.

::bgnoise:: -=Silence=-
::taste:::::: bland
::mood::::: /

I post when you post ? is what I would title this entry if I titled my entries.

So yea...I got into an argument today. I wasn't really arguing about the point at hand tho. I was arguing about something that really had nothing to do with the pent up anger that I (for the most part) keep at bay. I was arguing about stupid stuff like moving out and donating cars, when what I really wanted to yell about was lies, deception, morality, decency, and pain. But I didn't....

So I'm gonna move out. Once again I'm going to pick up my stuff and run away, just like I do with every other confrontation I get into, only this time it's literally. Fuck me for not being able to come clean and have a mature conversation about the matter at hand. Fuck me for not being able to choke the words out of my mouth when I have something emotional to say. Fuck me for copping out when things get too heavy. So...I hate myself for this but I'll get over it by tomorrow morning. I don't know when I'll be leaving but I will be leaving. I can't stay here in this house. The air is thick with lies and I'm finding it hard to breath. Mind you, half the lies are my own but the other half will not be where I'm going.

I'm sick....no really I'm sick. I gotta go to the docter. They'll make me better.

There's a storm outside. It's raining and windy out. The end.


~kori (¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: Jason Mraz -=Curbside Prophet (live)=-
::taste:::::: Sour Apple Altoid
::mood:::::

I really have nothing to write about but since everyone else updates frequently I guess I'll jump on the bandwagon and do the same.

So, uhm, I've been doing this whole 'school' thing again and it really feels like I'm doing nothing. Last semester was so tough but this semester is starting off so slow. I mean yea, I have a lot of shit to do and everything but it just seems so....minimal in comparison. I have some story boards to do, I need to write up a budget and do some papers. Feels a lot like high school. The first day I walked into my English class that's the exact feeling I got. I fucking took this damned class already. Same with art history. That's just not as bad 'cause I seem to be learning new stuff in that class. As for English.....peh. Perhaps I'm just speaking too soon. English used to be my favorite subject in high school but now that I know there's so much more to learn than just the fundamentals (like English, History, Math...) those things seem to be so trifle. I wanna go back to taking classes like Protools, and Media100 (i still hate that program). I just wanna play. But I guess school isn't all just fun and games all the time. Why oh why did I pick such a boring schedule. *knock on wood*

I ran out of my room last nite 'cause I heard my dad screaming. He was having a nightmare. He gets real bad ones, almost like night terrors but without the walking about and such. So I knocked on his door and asked him if he was alrite. He was breathing heavy and sweating. He told me that he had a dream about his brother, my uncle Stanley. In his dream Uncle Stanley was being crushed between two walls. It musta scared him something aweful 'cause he woke up screaming. He's had dreams like this before. The worst thing about it is there was always some truth in his dreams. Right before mom got 'sick' (it doesn't sound so serious if i write it like that) he had a dream about her and me. I don't recall all of it but what I do remember is that there was a tsunami and we were on a bridge. The wave came and swept up my mom and he woke up screaming. When gramma died he had a shooting pain in his chest right before they found her in the bathroom. And when my Uncle Guy died my dad was just so conviniently on his way to his house. This has got to be tough on my dad. He loses his wife and his brother almost exactly one year apart. Things are weird. Maybe life does give us some sort of inkling that something bad is going to happen. I sure hope this dream doesn't mean anything, I don't know if our family could take another tsunami.

~Kori(¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: Mariah Carey -=Melt Away=-
::taste:::::: water
::mood:::::

"this has gone on way too long and i'm tired of moving on. this has gone on way too long and i know that this is not the way it should be. "

I wanted to write something today 'cause it just felt right ya know ? But I don't know what to write. There's always gonna be that inscrutable fact that life is the way it is. I see so many people from day to day and I wonder how shitty their life is because I can't see it any other way. No one is alone in this matter. Fucked up. Why does life have to be so fucked up ? I know if I had thought about this years ago I wouldn't have any right to say that life is fucked up because it wasn't. And now I'm left here to wallow in the past to think about the things that were. I never knew that things were so perfect until I was thrust into this unperfect world. I was spoiled, not in a sense that I had everything as a child but in the fact that up until gramma died I had never felt a loss. After that came a bunch of years without loss also. Then, WTF, all things came crashing down. Things started going haywire. Where did we fuck up ? What did we do wrong ? Why do things have to be the way they are ? Taking my own advice....don't ask why just push through it and move on.

kori(¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: The Ataris -=San Dimas High School Football Rules=-
::taste:::::: V8 Splash (tropical)
::mood:::::

Don't smile so hard you'll make yourself bleed. It's a bad habit we all have to break. Kinda like peeing in the pool, it's warm at the time but in the end you're still just swimming in your own waste. Wallowing in your own shit. But memories will become hazy, things will eventually be alright. Just alright. Just say alright. Alright. Things seem to feel so mind numbingly surreal. The past is a blur, just whizzes past my head and doesn't stop to say hello. Sometimes it returns to kick me in the ass. I'd write a list of things to remember but I don't want to. Remember....remember ? Don't press into matters beyond your control. Things tend to get distorted with your face pressed up against the window like that. Smudging up the glass with your heated breath will do nothing but make you look stupid-make you look like you care when you don't. You really don't. Is it that you just want them to know ? To know everything you wished you knew. You know but have forgotten. Time doesn't stand still for anyone, life doesn't wait for you to catch your breath, memories don't wait for you to remember. But the world, in fact, does revolve around you. Don't let your light go out yet. Things are looking up and she is looking down. Hold your breath, dive down deep, get your bearings, moving on never to see any other way.

~Kori (­¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: Dishwalla -=Candleburn=-
::taste:::::: dragonfruit Vitamin Water
::mood:::::

oooh, I found this while looking for a notebook to use for class.

I Cry Myself to Sleep

I cry myself to sleep
No one can hear me weep.
I keep the sorrow in
For sharing is a sin.
My life is not a book
For you to take a look.
The burden is not yours
So shut the open doors.
Don't think it is not true
That I can be so blue.
My thoughts are never wrong
Until you came along.
To me they're always right.
My heart I do not fight.
Come listen to the rain.
You cannot feel the pain.
You don't believe its real
But it's not what you feel.
I see your thoughts untrue.
In light I have but few.
So turn your head in shame
Until you feel the same.
No one can hear me weep
I cry myself to sleep.




old old piece of shit poetry.
~kori (¬_¬)

::bgnoise:: -=the earth shattering silence=-
::taste:::::: menthol
::mood:::::

i've been crying a lot lately. i think it might be because now that i don't have school i have nothing better to do than wallow in my own self-pity. there's not really much nowadays to take my mind off this heart wrenching pain. i have nothing to set my mind to, therefore my mind has just become this puddle of mush that oozes out the side of my head. i've lost all sense of rationalization. i've lost the will to keep myself from going off the deep end. my emotions can't be kept in the dark pit of my stomache forever. so it tends to come out on sleepless nites. every nite has been a sleepless nite. i sleep during the day because looking at everything in the daylight just doesn't seem right. my world has become a distorted sense of well being. i've been getting into list making so i shall make a list of things that remind me of my mom and long for her presence.

•the trees
•the roads
•the malls
•songs
•the sky
•the birds
•the sun
•the moon
•my dog
•my family
•the bills
•e-mail
•my clothes
•my hair
•my reflection in the mirror

when i look at myself in the mirror i try hard to remember what she looked like. i try and tell myself that i will try my best to be like her in every way. i will be kind and giving. i will always put others before myself. i will do random acts of kindness just for the hell of it. and i begin to wonder why things had to end up like this. how can this life be so cruel as to take my one true best friend away from me. i think about how she wont be there for my wedding, and how she wont be around to see my children. i think about not being able to see her reaction when i tell her that i got such good grades in school.

its times like these when i start to think about the afterlife. everyone's going around spouting all sorts of crap about "going to a better place" and how they "will be watching over me." and i have to say, i don't buy any of that bs. if its so true then why don't i see her in my dreams, why don't i feel her presence around me, why don't i feel like she's still somewhere? i'm sorry, i just don't buy it.

so yea....i've been crying a lot lately but i was reading in both of my cuzzie's journals and i know that i'm not alone. i take comfort in the fact that perhaps when a tear falls down my cheek a tear is falling down one of theirs and i don't have to suffer this god aweful pain alone.

aren't we all going a bit insane ?


--------------------------------------------------

and in the harsh cold of the nite
my stinging tears hit the pillow as i think of you.
as i remember the times in my life
when you used to tell me everything will be alrite.

and when things start to get rough
i cant help but fight the feeling that you've left me alone.
i hold back the feelings of pain
but i feel as if the memories just can't be contained.

i listen hard for your voice to come ringing through the clouds
but this silence in me is eating me from inside out.

and everything feels as if its died inside of me.
and everything feels that this is not how it should be.
'cause i miss you
and i wish you
were still around to tell me everything will be ok.


~kori(­¬_¬)

I'll Meet You There ~Simple Plan

Now you're gone
I wonder why you left me here
I think about it on and on and on and on and on again
I know you're never coming back
I hope that you can hear me
I'm waiting to hear from you
Until I do

You're gone away
I'm left alone
A part of me is gone
And I'm not moving on
So wait for me
I know the day will come

I'll meet you there
No matter where life takes me to
I'll meet you there
And even if I need you here
I'll meet you there

I wish I could have told you
The things I kept inside
But now I guess it's just too late
So many things remind me of you
I hope that you can hear me
I miss you
This is goodbye
One last time
You're gone away
Im left alone.
A part of me is gone
And im not moving on
So wait for me
I know the day will come

I'll meet you there
No matter where life takes me to
I'll meet you there
And even if I need you here
I'll meet you there

No matter where life takes me
I'll meet you there

And even if i need you
Ill meet you there
Ill meet you there
Ill meet you there

::bgnoise:: keith sweat -=i'll give all my love to you=-
::taste:::::: water
::mood:::::


I've lost myself again, and its been
too long, so long.
And I dont kno what I've missed, dismissed its been
too much, its been so much
that I can't remember what it is.
Can't seem to get straight. It's rushed and it's
too late, so late.

I've talked myself through the dreams, and it seems
so far, it seems too far.
And I don't kno what I've caught but its not
so bad. It's too bad
that I can't seem to get straight. It's rushed and it's
too late, it's so late. It's too damn late.

::bgnoise:: taking back sunday -=cute without the e (cut from the team)=-
::taste:::::: nothing
::mood:::::

[diet]
i've lost five lbs since this diet started. i'd say its been a week and 1/2. me and my aunt started on weight watchers yesterday. ugh....waking up at 7:15 on sunday mornings ? i'm not sure i'm gonna make it. we'll see. i have ten weeks to lose 15 lbs. with the amount of food that they let me eat it should be a piece of cake. i've never eaten so little in my life. i just wish i were skinny and beautiful.

in other news---

--- there is a new bebe in the fam fam. mori fanning ono, tom and bridget's kid. boy ? girl ? dunno dont ask.

--- baby taylor, greg and may's little girl, had her first birthday yesterday. she also said her first word yesterday. "goodnite" only a few of us were there to witness it, and no one would believe us. may, miki, grant, and i were trying to get the baby to sleep. miki looked at her and said goodnite and taylor mimicked her. miki freaked out and me and may celebrated. i tried to get her to say it again and she ended up saying it three times. later she said "ina" which is the nickname for her sister, selena.

--- the "stand up for justice" premiere is coming up. "stand up for justice" is a documentary about ralph lazo. a boy who followed his japanese american friends to a concentration camp. it premieres in little tokyo L.A. Feb. 21

--- i finally registered for my classes. three campus classes and two online classes. its quite a load so wish me luck. last semester's grades were 3 A's and a B.

--- the fam fam is going to hawaii (hopefully). i think maybe sometime in july. we are waiting to get everyone's schedule's so that we can plan a safe date. my aunti's friend is lending us a condo. whoo !

hear what i say ? yea, any day.

~kori (­­¬_¬)